How would you handle this? (Family drama)

[BrerGnat]

Ok, so here's the compact version.

My mother read a text message that I sent to my SISTER on her phone. They were traveling together, DSis sent me a text message warning me against ever traveling with my parents and we had a back and forth about what was going on. Basically, my mother was being very stress inducing to my sister, who was traveling with her 7 month old infant. She was yelling at my dad about everything, making things more complicated than they needed to be, etc. Basic stuff that I bet most of our moms do while traveling. So, I responded compassionately, and joked to her that there was a reason why we had never traveled with them up to this point and "thanks for the warning, I'll make sure that never, ever happens".

My mom read the message. Basically, my sister left her phone on a counter, went to change the baby, and my mom read the message when she heard the phone go off (I have NO idea why she felt this was okay to do).

Now she is mad at me and is going to call me today to "talk about what happened." This happened about 2 weeks ago, and she hasn't called me since, so I called her the other day.

I am upset that she was eavesdropping, and sort of feel like that's what she gets for doing so. The conversation was between my sister and I, and we were commiserating, as siblings do. I am peeved that my sister was so careless too, but whatever, can't change it.

For the record, I meant what I said. We will never travel with them. The closest I will even entertain is being in the same place where they are at the same time, but our time together would be severely limited, because my mom always stresses out on vacation and never has a good time. She comes home and complains about everything. I don't need that on my vacation, ever. I feel like they should sort of already have gotten this hint, as our kids are 5 and 7 and we've gone to many places without them (my parents).

I need some advice on how to approach this. I don't want any drama. I don't want to fight with her, but I really feel violated about all this. In the past, I have heard secondhand some not so nice things she has said to my siblings about my parenting methods (of my special needs kids, nonetheless) that were very hurtful, but I never confronted her about them, because those things were never said directly to me. I feel like what is said between two people is meant for those two people. Am I wrong here? Should I apologize for what I said? I just don't know what to do.

[Dulcee]

Oof. Texts can be dangerous, take if from someone with two sisters, a mother, and a penchant for putting things in writing that I really shouldn't.

It might be worthwhile to apologize for hurting her feelings (something you probably do feel badly about). I wouldn't apologize for your feelings that your families wouldn't travel well together. Our family has done a couple of all-member trips as adults and there is always drama somewhere. While my fiance and I would happily travel with my parents again, its safe to say we'd never do so again with my brother and his fiance. Vacations styles are different and some just don't mix!

I'd call her. Broach the topic with an apology for upsetting her and then move on to something else. I'd also keep it to just this incident. If you want to discuss other underlying issues pick a time to be face to face, don't draw it into this issue.

[SBETigg]

I would absolutely not make it a bigger issue- don't mention what you heard she said about your parenting or anything like that. Keep it an isolated incident. This happened, you said it, and her feelings wouldn't have been hurt if she was minding her own business. My method would be to offer a gracious apology then brush it off with a light comment, because I know that lecturing my mom about snooping would never change her anyway, but not sure that's how you want to roll with it. That's my family dynamic. Sounds like you have some deeper concerns with your mom that you might want to address-- but consider carefully before speaking. Do you want to open it up to a bigger debate or just let it go after saying something short and sweet. I think she should understand, but family doesn't always work that way.

If you do go further with it, you could say something like, "I can't imagine how you would feel if I knew every private conversation you had about me. It's too bad you saw this comment not intended for you, and I'm sorry you're hurt, but that wasn't my intention." And then go carefully from there.

[BrerGnat]

Oh, believe me, I absolutely don't want to make this any bigger. I have no intention of bringing up old stuff. My mom is very judgmental, but she usually doesn't know what she is talking about, so I don't really let her comments affect me at all. I am one to let things go when they really don't matter in the grand scheme. She is the opppsite.

I will apologize that she felt hurt by what she read, but will spare her the lecture on eavesdropping. I will simply state that it was not meant for her viewing and leave it at that.

[BluewaterBrad]

Good luck.

[cer]

Good luck.

Ditto.

Is she not mad at your sister as well?

I don't have any good advice here. I would likely act like it did not happen, unless of course she brought it up, but she would have to bring it up before I addressed it. (See, no real good advice.)

[BrerGnat]

Yeah, she was mad at my sister too. They got into it, apparently, but I guess my mom "simmered down" after that day, so she got the hint that she was causing problems on the trip.

[Stitchahula]

good luck, I think you've figured out the best way to handle it. Keep it short and sweet.

[princessgirls]

Oh Natalie...family drama is never easy.

I've had my share of drama for a lifetime with my inlaws. I agree with the others, apologize for the text if it caused hurt feelings (gee, why were you reading someone's texts in the first place???) and just move on. From your comments it sounds like you have learned how to avoid potentially hard situations with your family already.

Good Luck Natalie.

Julie

[SBETigg]

I will apologize that she felt hurt by what she read, but will spare her the lecture on eavesdropping. I will simply state that it was not meant for her viewing and leave it at that.

Yeah, I think that's a safe way to go. Good luck with it!

[buzznwoodysmom]

I agree that the best solution to this has already been stated, to keep it simple and sweet, apologize for hurt feelings, but really nothing else. Nothing more to add really, but wanted to say good luck.

[wdwfansince75]

Considering our age, I thought about trying to see this from your Mom's point of view...but if this was about DW and her Daughters...nope, she wouldn't have looked..and frankly, neither DD would have said that about her...maybe about me, but then, I wouldn't have looked either.
Maybe that's why the rest of the clan doesn't mind letting us be part of all their WDW trips!
When I think of all the wonderful memories we have had as a result of our family trips, and other special times, I feel sorry for your mother, for thinking she needs to manage your life, instead of just being part of it.

[Disney Hungarian]

Am I the only one that sees this as an opportunity to open a dialoge with your mother to resolve the issues surrounding you having made those statements in the first place?

I would not apologize for texting what you texted or for hurting her feelings. I would apologize that she had to find out about it in that manner, instead of from me directly.

Maybe I'm just socially disfunctional. But, I have found that being open and honest with family members works out better for me than ignoring situations and hoping they will just go away.

Just my 2 cents.

[MNNHFLTX]

It sounds to me as though you have come to a solution that you are comfortable with, Natalie. It's probably best to clear the air a bit and offer an olive branch--and then adhere to your resolution never to vacation with them, as you said. Personally, I don't know how people do extended family vacations. Meeting up at a destination is okay, but everyone traveling together in the same vehicle and staying in the same room/rooms would be stressful for me too. I've grown to appreciate my own space at the end of the day.

[Aurora]

Natalie, you said you called her but did you actually talk to her? I didn't get that from your posts.

What is it exactly that your mother was mad about? The fact that you and your sister were talking about her behind her back, or that you would never travel with her? If it's the former, I would apologize, even though she eavesdropped on your conversation. If the latter, I would try to explain to her why you feel that way, and help her understand that you don't get bothered by the stuff that she does, and dealing negatively with things that go wrong isn't something you want to do while on vacation.

As others have said, good luck! Family drama:

[cer]

I've grown to appreciate my own space at the end of the day.

There is so much wisdom in this statement.

[TiggerDeb]

I can relate to you in this, not because my mother has read my texts, but because she is so much like your mother.. I swear they could be twins but we live in New England, so I doubt it.

I have gotten to the point in my life, where, whatever my mother does or says to hurt or irritate me, i let it slide and keep living my life with my own family.

If you feel you need to apologize to her to keep peace, then I feel she should apologize for snooping in on the text which was not meant for her... Good Luck...

[Ian]

Am I the only one that sees this as an opportunity to open a dialoge with your mother to resolve the issues surrounding you having made those statements in the first place?

I would not apologize for texting what you texted or for hurting her feelings. I would apologize that she had to find out about it in that manner, instead of from me directly.

Maybe I'm just socially disfunctional. But, I have found that being open and honest with family members works out better for me than ignoring situations and hoping they will just go away.

Just my 2 cents.

I think this is very, very sage advice.

[Janmac]

My mother also made a habit out of complaining about everything and feeling sorry for herself. I'm so direct, we were like oil on water. For awhile I tried the "opening a dialog" approach, with an eye to establishing an adult to adult relationship. By the time I was in my early 30s I realized this was not going to work - primarily because my mother was not going to act like an adult.

Faced with this sort of situation - eavesdropping - I would not apologize. Especially if I had not said anything to my sister that I would not say to my mother. My siblings also grew up commiserating with each other, and with my mother opening mail (the equivalent then of reading texts now) in order to find more fodder for the grist mill.

This sounds as tho I am more bitter than I am. I came to realize that my mother was doing the best she knew how, based on how she was raised (her parents were even worse than she was). And they did travel together, my mother and her parents. Talk about drama!

Apologising for hurt feelings never did clear the air. What actually worked was to lay some ground rules for communicating with me. Kind of along the lines of: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. No complaining. It was probably very difficult for my mother but made things easier for me. For awhile I did have to point out when she was getting close to complaining but we did actually get to a workable relationship - by the time I was in my 40s! Before we got to that place, I had to do a lot of talking over her saying, I'm hanging up now. We can talk later when you have more positive things to say.

It's really weird when you have to be the adult around your parents, but there it is. And always, which I know you already do, Natalie, think of how your kids will feel when they are grown up, and they're in your shoes.

As an aside, it occurs to me that complaints about your parenting skills are an attempt to bring you down, because the job you're doing is too good.

Jan

[diz_girl]

I think this is very, very sage advice.

I was also going to agree not to apologize to her. Exactly why do you need to apologize? She got angry because she was nosy and read a text on your sister's phone that she shouldn't have read about how she was a pain in the tuchus on vacation, which is how she is on every vacation. What exactly did you do wrong? If you didn't do anything wrong, then you don't need to apologize. Maybe you should phrase it to her like that. If she stresses out during every vacation and has a miserable time as a result, then tell her that's why you don't like to vacation with her.

It's tough to manage one's own parent when they're being difficult. Some people figure it out quickly, for others it takes time (like me), and for others it never happens. Like with children, you have to set boundaries.