Need Advice *Updated 11/12/07*

[ShelbyAD]

My 14 yr old step-daughter has made a massive change in her eating habits. She is eating maybe 1/4 of what she use to. EVERY day after dinner she either goes outside and jump ropes for 30-45 minutes or spends 45-60 on a Stair Master.

For example: Her turkey sandwiches use to consist of 4-5 pieces of turkey, 2 slices of cheese, alot of Mayo. Now her sandwiches have 1 piece of turkey, no cheese, just a dab of Mayo and a piece of lettuce. Now I'm all for eating healthy, but the amount of food she eats would starve a baby. One dinner she had 1/4 (if that) of a chicken breast, about 1 inch round of rice and that's it. This can't be normal portions for a growing teenage girl.

She use to be the first to finish her meals, now she is the last one to finish. She is eating slow.

Mind you she is NOT over weight in any way. She is 5'2" and weighs 96 pounds. She had gotten on a scale and I saw what she weighs (she does not know I saw - I was on the phone so she thought I was not looking). Apparently she thinks she's fat.

We had the girls all last week. She would not bring her bathing suit because she thinks she's fat. I'm sorry, but at 5'2" she should weigh around 105-110. If anything she is underweight.

Need advice on how to handle this. If I try to talk to her about it or let her know I know what she is doing, she turns away.

She is also in a bad mood 24/7. She is maybe in a good mood for 30 minutes a day. Is this just normal teenage "stuff" or is there something else going on? She won't talk to anyone, so we can't find out what is going on in her head. If you do try to talk to her, she tells you to mind your own business or "it's nothing, I'm fine" answers.

[SBETigg]

I know nothing about this, but it sounds like an eating disorder. I would do some research on eating disorders and definitely seek her doctor's advice. How fortunate for her that she has you looking out for her. The bad mood could come from not eating enough, maybe? Best wishes with it. I hope she gets healthy.

[DisneyDudet]

I don't like to say, but this sounds like the startings of an eating disorder. I don't want to send you into a panic, but I think that if these behaviors continue, that it may become that way.

Most of the time, acts like these are result of a control issue. It may be that something in her life is out of control (school, friends, hate to say family, etc) and this is her attempt to control it. Treating these thoughts are very shaky, as this can just keep them going in the wrong direction.

I am in no place to give you any assistance, as it requires a professional, and I'm nowhere near an expert.

My first thought would be to call her Dr and possibly go see him/her on your own to discuss what you've observed and get some advice on how to talk to her and help her with this.

Also, school is starting soon, so this may get worse. You can always take her for a physical before school so that the dr can just get the idea as well (in my opinion, all children should see the dr once a year for a well child check up and physical). Also, telling her you're concerned about her health and not about controlling her could be a start. Say some of the things you've said here, you know, about eating healthy and exercise can be a good thing. One thing to understand, is those with thought processes like this, their view of themselves is truly distorted. They do not see what that world sees. There is a fine line as to what is helpful and what isn't to those who view themselves like this.

Also, at this age, I never told my mom anything or talked to her. I would say its "normal" for teenagers to not talk to their parents, unless they are EXTREMELY close. I have no doubt that you must feel defeated that she won't let you help, but that's part of the thinking. She's afraid of control. Her eating that little is her attempt to control the world around her.

I'm hoping others can come alone with more expertise than I have. Pixie dust and my thoughts are with you and your daughter. I would love to hope that this is just a phase, but I would be on the safe side.

Keep us updated.

[crazypoohbear]

Although it is easy to assume that she has an eating disorder before you say anything to her about it I think you should talk to her mom (if that's possible, depending on your relationship with her)
Find out if there is a boy involved (at 14 she might like someone and is trying to get noticed)
What is going on with her girl friends? are they dieting, exercising, dating. etc.
If they have changed their habits she might be trying to fit in.
Has someone in the house/family been name calling, teasing. This can have devastating affects on a teenage girl.
If her mood changes are new then there is something going on.
YES teens are very moody but if it's something new find out what's happening in her life.

IF money allows perhaps you could take her to lunch and clothes shopping for an afternoon, maybe she will open up to you.
But don't jump right to eating disorder/psychiatrist. If she is having other issues going on this will just make her feel worse.
Keep an eye on her, and wait, not too long but sometimes this is just a phase that doesn't' last very long.
But be vigilant in keeping a close eye on her, just not intrusive. IF that makes sense!

[Strmchsr]

My DW was suffering from anorexia when we first started dating. Fortunately, she overcame that and now is a counselor helping treat others with similar issues. A lot of the actions you describe are certainly red flags. However, you have to treat this very carefully. Rushing her to a doctor or psychiatrist is not necessarily the right thing to do. As a pastor I've learned to be very careful with referrals because you need to know what's really going on in order to find the right person to refer to. Otherwise you end up hopping from person to person and never getting the help you need. If you wish, PM or email me. I will be glad to connect you with my wife who can give you a professional opinion on your next steps and if you have reason for concern.

[ShelbyAD]

Thank you all for the great advice. Last week DH & I were on vacation. He is currently working on redoing my bathroom. He has been asking the 14 yr old to help. She is happy to help and does.

We took them (another step-daughter 12 [her sister])bowling. She was in a grumpy mood the whole time. Even when she got a strike.

Her sister does tease her alot. I did make a comment to the 14 yr old. I told her that I noticed that she is not eating as much. I told her that she is by no means fat and don't believe anyone who tells her that she is. Her sister tells her she's fat. I will have a talk with her sister and tell her to stop. When I was talking to her, we were driving and she just looked out the window. When we got to where we were going, she opened the door so fast to get out. Normally she just sits there for about 30 seconds then gets out.

Her sister is 5 feet and weighs 90 pounds. Most of which is muscle. She is a Black Belt in Karate. The 14 yr old is not into sports at all. DH thinks that the 14 yr old is trying to be as skinny as her sister. This may be true. If it is, I will talk to her.

Her mother is aware (which is a good thing) of her "condition" and will monitor her. Hopefully she can talk to her or even her step-father.

I agree that there is something definately going on. She is just like her mother (per DH) that they keep their feelings bottled up and don't talk to anyone about them.

I took both of them to the Flea Market on Saturday. She had a good time there. She even said she wants to go back and will bring money with her.

I have also noticed that she hates being inside any building. She wants to be outside ALL the time. Nothing really wrong with that, but she never use to be like that. She hated being outside. She also thinks that if the temp is under 90 degrees it's "comfortable" and she doesn't get hot. 90 & over, then she thinks it's hot. Is that normal?

[BelleBeauty]

My sister was bulimic (and during one period anorexic) for about four years in her early teens. I certainly think that from what you are describing there are a lot of red flags and you should seek professional assistance.

I think that you should talk with all the adults in her life about the problem, and her doctor or other specialists on what you can do. However, you have to be very careful about how you approach her. I don't think it is a very good idea to bring her to her doctor or a therapist right away. An eating disorder is an addiction, and like many addictions, even with the best intentions - she can't get better until she decides to get better. Fighting about it will only distance her from you more.

It may be triggered by lots of things. 14 is tough age, your body is changing and you start to notice you have to eat right and exercise. Plus boys start to enter the picture, etc. I would try to do more things with her - go out to lunch, take her shopping, etc. Without bringing up the eating issues, just try to develop a closer relationship with her. This may eventually help her open up to you or feel more in control with her life and stop on her own.

However, you should talk with her doctor and see what a dangerous weight for someone her age/height would be. If you see her dip near that weight, she needs assistance right away. On the more serious side - there are treatment centers and programs to help. Unfortunately, like I said, someone needs to decide on their own to get better.

It is a very shameful thing for someone to hide, and fighting about it will only make it worse. I would suggest being as supportive of her good habits as possible. This may just be a phase and not a serious problem at all. You just have to watch out a be careful. My sister was able to go into a treatment program, she spent several years with a therapist and is now completely past her disorder. Good luck and keep us posted!

[MsMin]

I will try to explain a few things but it's hard by text. First yes, you don't want to make a big deal out of her "dieting" The problem that you run into is that Anorexia is "cool" and can become part of her identity. You want to avoid having her pick up that label esp at this age. The younger a child develops the disorder the worse the prognosis.
A couple more points I think you need to be aware of is that a father has a lot of influence w/ the young girls self esteem. He has a greater effect than the mother so his role is important. She values what he says about her developing body. Another point is when should I seek help? Unfortunately this is not a disorder that many physicians study so it is quite possible to go to a pediatrician and have them tell you everything is fine. Remember that the M.D. or psychiatrist handles the medical aspects and the psychologist deals with the behavioral aspect and much of this is behavior that needs to be modified.
I get very upset when sites offer info that can be harmful to young girls, sites that scare them into poor eating. I hesitate to post too much info so if you want to know how to determine when the situation is dire or needs medical intervention then PM me and I'll show you how to calculate the numbers.
Continue to encourage her to eat healthy, talk about well balanced diet and it could be in the form of proper nutrition. Try to add in things like milkshakes or ice cream, make sure she eats enough meat(restricting and vegan is very high risk for damaging the developing body). Right now about 25% of our female population is at risk for an eating disorder or have one at a sub- clinical level.
I have to applaud companies like dove who now use "natural shapes" in their commercials as not to give our young girls a false notion as to how an average body looks.
Another thing too is I suspect that that irritability is a mild depression. Lack of food can cause depression. It doesn't surprise me that she's grouchy.
Feel free to PM w/ any other questions.

[ShelbyAD]

Try to add in things like milkshakes or ice cream

She did have one scoop of ice cream with rainbow shots one night, but did not want to have a shake another night.

Yesterday morning she had 1 piece (1 slice of bread) of French Toast and 1 hash brown (made at home). That was it. That b'fast when we do have it, she would have eaten 2 slices of Fr. Toast, 2 slices of bacon and a hashbrown, then ask if there was more.

Another morning she had 2 bowls of cereal. I didn't really see how much cereal she put in the bowl - so the 2 could have equalled 1 "normal" size bowl. It was Capt'n Crunch - Crunch Berry.

She will either drink Diet Lemonade or Water. She does have milk with b'fast. But for lunch & dinner all last week, was water.

A couple more points I think you need to be aware of is that a father has a lot of influence w/ the young girls self esteem

Since she only sees her father every other weekend, I don't think he has a real impact on how she sees herself. She barely listens to what he says half the time. I don't think she takes him seriously. Since they are pretty well behaved (nothing that would warrant punishment) when we have them, there is no need to yell, punish, etc. He does say something when she tells me to "SHUT UP!" He gets mad at her when she does that.

This is really hard on DH & I since we do only see them every other weekend. Her mother & step-father see her every day. We will just have to keep "tabs" on her with them. We will not have the girls again until August 10th - 12th. We'll have to see what she is doing by then.

[MsMin]

Since she only sees her father every other weekend, I don't think he has a real impact on how she sees herself. She barely listens to what he says half the time. I don't think she takes him seriously. Since they are pretty well behaved (nothing that would warrant punishment) when we have them, there is no need to yell, punish, etc. He does say something when she tells me to "SHUT UP!" He gets mad at her when she does that.

I'm sure the step father could have some influence but by impact I mean that he should make an effort to tell her she is pretty, something to build her confidence. Young girls need to hear that they are attractive and they believe a male more than a female. It could be you have beautiful eyes or hair something that makes her feel special especially to her dad. ED (eating disorders) is mostly a female's self image and you can help her by boosting that image that she has of herself.
You can have rules on eating a minimum when at your house but you run the risk of pushing them into bulimia when you do that. It's okay to have diet drinks b/c she needs to feel like she is in control of her body, just encourage a balanced meal and try to slip in the higher calorie more tempting items.
Adolescence is an age when a teen is seeking their own identity and it's a normal part of development, breaking away from the parents rules and trying their own ideas is normal and most times healthy. It's a very delicate balance between wanting to force a child to eat right (I use that term loosely b/c to a teen making rules about eating is forcing ) and letting them have free reign and damage their health while doing it. Sometimes it helps when we can act dumb (we are supposed to be based on the perception of many teens).
Here is a link to calculate her body mass. When using a calculator make sure it's one that is age and sex appropriate. I would suggest seeing a doctor if her BMI falls to 14 or lower based on an adolescent scale. Someone may want to talk to her about a maturing female body too. A female gains weight in order to ovulate and develop properly. Talking to her about these changes helps an adolescent understand that the "twig" figure is not ideal or healthy. Again, a father saying a young woman should have curves is more convincing than a mother or step-mother.
http://apps.nccd.cdc.gov/dnpabmi/Calculator.aspx

[ShelbyAD]

Last week my 14 yr old step-daughter called asking if she could spend a couple of days with us before she started school. She wanted to get away from her sister. She came over.

Last weekend, she still did not eat much, but she did NOT jump rope after dinner. Maybe because it's been between 102-107 all week. She was in a little bit of a better mood, but barely enough to notice.

Maybe now that school has started her moods will change to a better one.

I had asked her if she was nervous about starting high school. She said no, that she was looking forward to it. She said she had a really boring summer and going to school was better than staying at home.

Now even her sister is noticing how much/little the 14 yr old is/is not eating.

Yesterday for breakfast we had eggs in a basket, bacon & hash browns. She had 1 egg/basket and a hash brown. Normally she smothers her hash brown in ketchup. Now, she only puts 2 drops on it. She sister saw that and just looked at me. All I did was nod.

Instead of eating a turkey sandwich, she is eating a lettuce salad with 2 or 3 drops of salad dressing.

Now, if she was overweight, I would not be concerned, but she is about 10-13 pounds underweight.

We will continue to watch her as well as her mother & step-father.

[ShelbyAD]

Here is an update on her "condition".

We got a phone call from her mother on Sunday telling us that she is NOT eating at all and that it took her all the strength she had to get her to eat a little something by Sunday night.

Her mother will be taking her to see a counselor. At first DD did not want to go, then she changed her mind and wants to go. I'm glad that she is open to the idea of talking to someone about it. It will make getting to the "root" of this issue alot easier.

She will be over our house this weekend. Will see what happens.

Oh yeah, her mother took all of the exercise equipment away from DD and we put her jump rope (only exercise thing we have ) away so she can't use it immediately after eating.

DH & I will be talking to her about all of this, this weekend. DD is also embarrassed that her father knows about it. I've been told that is a good "sign/thing". Does that mean she values what her father says? Apparently more than we realized.

Will keep you updated.

[MsMin]

Keep your eyes open for signs of bulimia. Many young girls turn to that when pressure is applied to their eating habits.

[Strmchsr]

Please keep us updated. It definitely sounds like things are turning for the worse. Remember one thing, any eating disorder - whether anorexia or bulemia - is about control, not necessarily body weight. Also, a person with an eating disorder has a mental illness. I say that just to encourage you, and the rest of the family, to know that she can't just "stop." Our human brains are wired with self-preservation instinct and when we start to intentionally participate in self-destructive behavior something has gone wrong. A counselor can help, but the wrong kind of counselor can do more harm than good. Make sure this is someone who specializes in eating disorders.

[MsMin]

The only thing we absolutely know is that none of us can hear what she is thinking or know what she is feeling from here. ED is my specialty and the variance is wide among ages, family situations, self image etc. We do know it's complex and not simple- there is no quick fix and sometimes the attention can make it worse. Sometimes it's control but sometimes it's perfectionism and self image. A therapist can not meet with her once and give you all the answers. Good news is that she has someone who notices and cares. Some teens can be quite manipulative and others are bending to peer pressure and social influences. I do know this that playing it down will help more than hurt. When girls are very young they can develop a "sick role"
I think the best advice you've received is to make sure that the person who sees her is qualified in ED, ask how many ppl they see w/ the disorder.

[pink]

I don't mean to be blunt but it defintely sounds like your step daughter has some sort of an eating disorder. I'm fresh out of high school and the whole bad mood thing is pretty normal but it could be directly associated with her weight consciousness as well. All of my friends, along with 90% of the rest of the girls in my class had eating or body issues so it's not that abnormal, but I think it would be wise to get her someone to talk to and then everything will be ok!
Good Luck and keep us posted.

[ShelbyAD]

Things have definately gotten worse. Spoke with her mother last night. She is down to 88 pounds. She's 5feet 2inches. Her mother has taken away anything that can be used as exercise and had hidden all scales. We are going to do the same. Her mother also said she is NOT eating at all. She says she's eating at school, but the child could be lying. How can she function in school? When I talked to DD last night she was in the bathroom (according to her sister). When I asked what she was doing in there (since she was in there a long time - per sister) she said she was doing her homework in there. What? She said that she was in the kitchen, but her little brother (4 yrs old) was annoying her, her bedroom didn't have the right "atmosphere" so she went into the bathroom. We told her mother about this last night. I may suggest to her mother to talk to her daughter's teachers to find out how she is doing in her classes. What her attitude is like. Can they tell if she has any friends. Is this going to far? Heck, if I was her mother, I wouldn't even hesitate to do it.

Unfortunately the counselor that was on the HMO list is no longer there. So her mother is looking into finding another one who does specialize in ED.

I cried myself to sleep last night, just thinking about how much she weighs. Her mother said she can barely look at her, she looks so bad. It's only been 2 weeks since we have seen them. We pick them up this Saturday morning.

We do realize that it is an illness and that she does have some "mental" issues.

This may be sad to say, but I knew that child needed help 6+ years ago and that she was a disturbed child. I did tell DH but him nor her mother wanted to "see it". What parent does. I just wish they had listened to me years ago. Her mother just told me not to tell her how to raise her daughter. DH told me I was just imagining it. Even when my mother came down a couple of years ago, she saw that DD had some serious issues.

She does have very low self-esteem, confidence, and very insecure. She is always saying "I just can't do anything right". And when you try to teach her something new, she doesn't want help learning, but gets frustrated when you try to tell/show her what to do. She just throws her arms up, says the above and storms off into another room.

Her sister is 5feet tall, 12 yrs old and weighs the same (88 lbs). She loves to learn new things, very athletic and outgoing. Could the 14 yr old feel threatened by it? They are 2 very different people, and we have told them both that.

Sorry this is so long. I am thinking of going to my Priest and talking to him about it. What do you think?

[offwego]

Finding someone outside the scenario (your priest for example) might be a good idea. And I would deal with your feelings around feeling like it should have been addressed earlier with that person so as not to add addtional stress to your DH or your daughters mother. They will need you to work with them as a team for this as it sounds quite urgent. (though it sounds as if you are right, it's really water under the bridge at this stage and the priority has to be your daughters health both physical and mental)

I hope this quickly takes a turn for the better.

[MsMin]

Yes, 88lbs is too light. I'm so glad the scale was taken away b/c scales are so so bad. The bathroom is another bad sign b/c they purge in a bathroom especially if they ate to make everyone happy. Watch what she is doing on the internet. There are many sites that encourage or support anorexia produced by ppl who think its a game- really sick sites. See if you can find any of these sites on your computer in your cache. She is getting info somewhere it may be from friends who are teaching her how to hide things.
It may be time to get her to her primary care physician. They can do some chem panels on her to confirm this and can help get you a referral fast. A good psychiatrist should know a good therapist. As I mentioned before it's complex and not that uncommon anymore with the media influence and internet making anorexia a fad or something to be admired and demonstrates the attention that you can get when so many of these young girls are just seeking to fit in.

[ShelbyAD]

When DH was talking to his Ex - he told her how to check what websites and/or searches have been made on that computer. There is only one computer in their house and it's in the kitchen/sitting room.

Her mother is also going to make an appointment with her PCP to get a complete physical, run blood work, etc., and to get a referral to a specialist.

DH is also making sure that we don't ignore the other child either during all of this. We are going to be doing more stuff as a family and not singling out anyone. When we do have them, we always either watch a movie or play a game on Saturday nights. During the days they are either out with me running errands or helping their father around the house.

They did alot of work the last time they were over and we were going to give them money for it. I told him that we are NOT to give "H" (14 yr old) any money. But he doesn't want to give "E" money behind H's back either. I don't think that's fair either. E should get the money for helping. They helped him renovate the bathroom - which we are still working on.