Etiquette question

[Tekneek]

Some history to set the stage for the question, if I may...

An elderly couple lives behind us (who once owned all of the land that our subdivision is built on) and we have had a good relationship over the 7+ years we have lived here. Recently they got a fright from a robbery attempt and needed to move some of their outside lighting to feel safer. Their daughter is arranging it. They needed to get our permission for a utility easement on the property, as well as permission to trim one of our pecan trees (that this couple actually planted many years ago). This was a "no-brainer" thing for us, since it is a safety issue.

Now the etiquette question/issue...

After they got all the permissions straightened out, the daughter came over and gave my wife a card. My wife said it wasn't necessary, but she insisted that we take it because she "wanted to do this for us." After saying thanks and parting ways, my wife opened it and we suddenly felt quite awkward. Inside was two $100 bills.

Would it be insulting to give the money back?
If we are keeping the money, should we write our own thank you note in return?

I've never really faced this sort of situation before, so any real etiquette guidance would be appreciated.

[princessjojo]

It really is a sticky issue to some degree. On one hand if you return the money to the other famiy, they may feel insulted that you returned such a gesture they may feel obligate to give you. On the other hand, I understand the reasons why you did what you did, and it's obvious you did it with nothing expected in return.

I would though send a card expressing my sincerest thanks, stressing how much you appreciated their guesture.

A third option, assuming you aren't in need of the cash and far more drastic, would be to donate the $200 to a charity in the elderly couples name. It is afterall, money you didn't expect to receive. You could then send the note from the charity to the couple's home.

[LauraF]

I'm not Miss Manners, so please use your best judgment, but my family did teach me some basic guidelines:

When given cash, a graceful, handwritten thank you note is appropriate. It's up to you if you want to mention how the cash will be used. In this instance, if you're uncomfortable accepting it for yourself, perhaps consider using to improve some portion of the border between your two properties. (Maybe the fence needs work, or you've always wanted to put a butterfly garden in.)

"Your gift was so thoughtful and generous. We're using it towards a lovely XXXX we've been eyeing for some time. We hope to have you over soon so you can see it." If you write in this way, the giver has an idea of how you used the money so it's really more a gift than a transaction, and your thank you can be more specific.

My $0.02

[LauraleeH]

That's so sweet of them! I'd write a short thank you and have them over for dinner or dessert sometime.

[Princess'Mom]

I'm not Miss Manners, so please use your best judgment, but my family did teach me some basic guidelines:

When given cash, a graceful, handwritten thank you note is appropriate. It's up to you if you want to mention how the cash will be used. In this instance, if you're uncomfortable accepting it for yourself, perhaps consider using to improve some portion of the border between your two properties. (Maybe the fence needs work, or you've always wanted to put a butterfly garden in.)

"Your gift was so thoughtful and generous. We're using it towards a lovely XXXX we've been eyeing for some time. We hope to have you over soon so you can see it." If you write in this way, the giver has an idea of how you used the money so it's really more a gift than a transaction, and your thank you can be more specific.

My $0.02

I concur!

[offwego]

Laura F has a wonderful idea for you, and if it's not a landscape project but a charity you wish to fund with it a similiar note saying your thoughtfulness has allowed us to support our local foodbank etc. What nice neighbours you have!

[pink]

I love the inviting them to dinner idea and I also think a letter would be a nice gesture. The only thing I'm wondering is if the money was from your neighbors or their daughter? If the daughter just gave you the money out of her own pocket then your neighbors might not even know about it.

[garymacd]

I thought more about taking them out to dinner and using the money they gave you to help pay for it.

[jrkcr]

Actually this post made me stop to think. I'm not sure how I would feel receiving money from being neighborly.

But I am a country bumkin and would use the money towards a vegetable garden to share with them! Grow your own veggies, and delivery a basket once a week of whatever is ripe. Or encourage them to visit the garden and help out/pick their own.

Not sure about the age of these neighbors, but working in his garden is what my retired dad loves to do!

And if you don't want to put in fall veggies, plan your spring garden over the winter.

Sounds like you are lucky to have such kind neighbors!

[Minnie Imagineer]

That is difficult. I wouldn't give the money back because if you put yourself in their shoes, it would be akward to be handed the money back..not rude, byt akward. But I do like the idea of having them over for a nice dinner. Or you could do what my family and I do for our elder neighbors and clean their yards (leaves, mow grass, pull weeds, water the grass, etc). I'm not sure how old they are but if they are old, those things can be tough for them!

[MsMin]

I would want to do something to help make the couple feel more secure. I would also keep the money and explain it's use.
I would write a note and include that you are there for them for emergencies etc. You can't put a price on security and when you get older many feel less secure. It would also help the dd feel better too knowing you are looking out for them when she isn't around.
I would imagine that they would be disappointed if you returned the money. Be careful too with a gift to a charity because this could insult them if they see it as you just brushing off their gift. Personally I would use it to do something in the yard or garden as a tribute to their neighborliness.