Mother in Law...help!

[maizey05]

Ok, give me any advice you can on this one. Here's the story...
I have a 3 month old son (our first), whom I'm very protective of, of course. My mother in law, whom I've only seen twice in the 7 yrs. of being together w/ DH, informed us she will be flying our way soon, to see our son. Honestly, I prefer not to see her/have contact with her. Why? She abandoned my DH when he was growing up, has some substance abuse issues/is married to someone who is also, chain smokes (can't stand that), has stood DH up several times when she was supposed to meet up with him(5 yrs. since they've seen eachother). She was fired from work for embezelment (sp). She never acknowleges DH's birthday, etc. To say the least, I am less than thrilled at the thought of a long weekend with her. I am totally freaked out at the thought of having to hand my baby over to someone who can barely put a cigarette down and has proven to be shady. Sure, she is his "grandma" by relation, but DH and I agree, this will probably be the only time she will see him. I honestly get almost ill thinking that we have to meet up with her next month. If I could do what I feel is right, I would not meet up with her at all. What to do???

[Jeff]

Wow! What a tough situation.
I have no usefull advice - just wanted to say "good luck".

[Piglet822]

She won't be staying with you in your house, will she? I hope not. If she thinks that tell her you've found a lovely hotel where she'll be quite comfortable and then give her the name of one.

In this case I don't think you're being over protective at all. This woman has quite a history. Maybe she won't show up this time either. Her track record for showing up for promised visits doesn't seem to be too good.

Best of luck to you, my dear IMO, just because someone is blood related doesn't necessarily make them family.

[Speedy1998]

Though one. #1 if she is coming to your home, do not let her smoke. I do not think it is too unreasonable to ask guest not to do things in your home that you do not like. You can also point out home the second hand smoke will hurt the baby. This will probably strain your relationship even more, but it sounds like you prefer not to have a relationship with her anyway.

[wdw_bound]

tell her you've found a lovely hotel where she'll be quite comfortable and then give her the name of one.

This is excellent advice. I love my sister dearly, but still stay in a hotel with my kids when we go to visit to give us both breathing room.

As for the rest, be polite, but firm - no smoking near the baby (in our house, we set up a "smoking lounge" in the back yard when grandpa is coming over, complete with an ashtray). I'd also put away any alcohol and just tell her and FIL that you don't even keep it in the house. I wouldn't say this to MIL, but you and DH should agree that she not be left alone with the baby. Are you nursing? I always found it very convenient to have to take the baby for a feeding when I felt the need to give myself or the baby quiet time (there were some family visits where the baby had quite the feast, )

If MIL is as unreliable as you say, I wouldn't sweat it too much at this stage - she may not even show up. And if she does, it will be on your terms - it's amazing how strong a mama lion can be

[daparish]

Loads of heading your way. What a tough situation.

[Donald A]

I would try to set firm ground rules. #1 is no smoking. Put valuables away and just try to get through it. Best of luck.

[disneydeb]

Not allowing her to smoke in your home will send her back to a more comfortable place for her. (make her want to go home) I think she is getting older now and realizing the mistakes she made and probably wants to live a better life from now on...(hopefully). Good luck and God bless! Could you book her into a non-smoking hotel?

[MsMin]

I'm so sorry you are both going through this.
on the no smoking. Sometimes with ppl like this you have to be very firm with your rules. We don't allow smoking in the house, not "please don't smoke in the house" often ppl like that don't think the rules apply to them.
How does your DH feel about this visit? Most often ppl like this can be very manipulative and are not happy without a crisis. I've seen it over and over, they will end up setting themselves up to be the victim and never learning about how to help or share, etc. with others.
Knowing what to expect and to plan to work as a team with your DH helps. Unfortunately, there is such a history there that most likely feelings will be sensitive.
I'll look for some info or links and PM them to you b/c it wouldn't be appropriate to put them on the site.

[Marilyn Michetti]

I say, meet her in a public place, Hold your son for her to ohhhh and ahhh over, and don't say much. Let her "spout", and you be the filter. You'll know soon into the visit, if this is a typical behaviour based on her history. However, people really do have life changing experiences, and maybe this will be her only chance to prove that to you.

Give her a few minutes of your time on neutral ground. If she's the "same old, same old", you'll know, and that will be it. (It would be for me). I feel for your poor DH. This will rip off a scar if it goes badly.

Good luck. I hope it goes well.

[DVC2004]

Good luck. I also agree on the no smoking. At least it is only a weekend. Hopefully she is staying elsewhere than your home? That will make it easier.

[maizey05]

Thanks for the great advice everyone! She planned to stay at our home for a week, however DH and I agreed that it would be too much time, and I said absolutely not at my house. She has asked for $ in the past and hopefully that won't happen again (we've never given her any). (Don't have a problem helping those in need, but know how she would choose to spend it.) In a way, DH is looking semi forward to seeing her. I think. This is hard for me to understand, as she hasn't been a real "Mom" to him ever. I'm almost positive though, that when he does see her and hear her sob stories and drama once again, it will be like opening up an old wound. I feel so bad, because he's had to work hard to get past his family's shortcomings and reputation. I'm thinking this visit will drag him down. This woman is very pushy, and I'm going to have to really put my foot down. Another demonstration of what she's like: DH and I were given my DH's baby book, last year. (It was left in his mom's prior residence, which was reposessed.) I know...somebody call Jerry Springer! Anyway, we were looking through it, and when she the first thing she thought when she saw my DH as an infant was that "he was ugly". I don't care if my baby was born with a deformity, handicap, etc. I would still think it was the most beautiful little thing. So...I think that demonstrates what kind of person we're dealing with.

[murphy1]

What a horrible thing to call a baby ugly!! I think you got some great advice. Your dh really sounds like a wonderful person coming from so much.

[merlinmagic4]

I'm going to agree with Marilyn and say that hopefully this will be a life changing experience for her. Sometimes people do change and I admire you for even seeing her and giving her a chance to meet her new grandchild. I really hope this happens for you; I know it's unlikely but you never know.......good luck.

[crazypoohbear]

I'm sure you have lots of different emotions going on right now. But please keep in mind the baby can't speak for himself so you really need to be vigilant in keeping the baby safe.
Make sure she knows ahead of time that not only is there no smoking in your house there is no smoking in the baby's presence!
If you feel there is still some substance abuse going on don't let her stand up and hold the baby, she may not be steady on her feet.
I wholeheartedly agree about the hotel, and she should feel comfortable with that, then she can smoke.
As for your husband kind of looking forward to seeing her, I can understand that, no matter how old you are or what has happened in the past you still crave your parents love and approval, even though you know in your head it most likely isn't coming you still want and need it.And if she disappoints once again the pain will come again, but this time he has a new life to focus on and loving the baby will help with the pain the mother causes.
I wish you all the best, especially your husband.

I think the motto of dysfunctionals families everywhere is "avoid disappointment, aim low"

[snifflesmcg]

Well, first off, I would not have her stay in my house. The very thought of her doing something illegal or even stealing from you would be enough for me to keep her out. Have her stay in a hotel and put a no smoking ban in your home. If that would be a problem, go somewhere outside at a mutual location. I know it's akward to have her come and see you all but you might as well do it and get it over with. Just maybe she'll presently surprise you.

[SBETigg]

Do stand up for your own little family unit while being as gracious as can be, but please keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. You're entitled to your emotions and your concerns and it's okay to not like her even though she is your DH's mom. It's even understandable to avoid contact if this is what you both decide to do.

Babies are resilient. You'll be right there, I'm sure, to see that she couldn't possibly do anything hurtful to your child. The greater impact is sure to be on your husband. Support him and be there for him, but don't feel pressed into going against your better judgment just because she's "family." Best wishes that all goes well.

[Belle619]

Wow - this sounds exactly like my sister's mother-in-law! She even went so far as to steal her son's identity to open up charge cards in his name.

Anyway my sister and brother-in-law are unfortunate enough to live in the same town as her, so in that respect, you are lucky. So, what I've learned from their situation is just what the others have said - you need to have ground rules, you need to be firm and you need to work as a team.

And your husband may be happy to see her, it is his mother after all, so you'll need to be supportive but also the voice of reason - especially if she were to ask for $ again.

Good luck!

[maizey05]

That's horrible about the identity theft! DH's mom has done that kind of thing also. When DH was still in school, his mom stole checks from her work and bought a computer and other misc. items. She was fired ,and DH was so ashamed, he took the computer etc. to her former work place and apolagized (sp). Too bad she wasn't the one to see the error of her ways!

[maizey05]

Any more advice? Keep em' coming.