Need Advice *Updated 11/12/07*

[ShelbyAD]

As most of you know, my 14 yr old step-daughter has Anorexia. She is not doing what the doctors are telling her. She's still loosing weight, fighting with her mother, etc.

Well as of 3:30pm today she will be on a plane to a Rehab center in Florida. She will be there a minimum of 30 days, possibly 45 days. If it is for 45 days, she will be there for Christmas.

She is very happy to be going. She is looking at this as a "vacation" from her mother.

She had a breakdown over the weekend. DH found her crying in my closet. Apparently her mother found a note on "H"'s nightstand. It was a list of things to do before "going away". One of the things on the list was "savor being thin". DH confronted her about it and that's when she went hiding in my closet. She starting screaming that she wants to be left alone, she doesn't want to live and that she hates her mother. She repeated (several times) "I hate my mother".

Her mother is a big portion of her problem. Hopefully the Center can help her deal with it, because her mother will still be there when she gets back.

According to DH, H's mother said "I hope this works, because if it doesn't, I am done. I have 2 other kids to deal with". Doesn't that just sound like a loving mother.

[kakn7294]

What a terrible thing for a mother to say! I can't imagine feeling like that about one of my girls. Is there any chance you can get her away from her mother when she returns home? I don't remember who it is that she lives with but I thought it was her mother. Hopefully this rehab center will be what your step-daughter needs. Best of luck on her recovery! I'll keep your family in my prayers.

[DisneyDudet]

Hopefully your step daughter will move passed her emotions and feelings and start feeling happy about life, which will help with her eating.

Hopefully when she comes back she can stay with you and DH as a gradual movement back to the world that made her feel this way.

for you and your stepdaughter!

[bleukarma]

I will certainly keep your step daughter in my thoughts and prayers as she’s going through this tough time. Also you and your family. I’m happy she has someone in her life that is loving enough to help her seek the help that she needs. I am not a therapist by any means but It seems like there is something going on at her mom’s house to warrant her anorexic behavior. I don’t know you and your DH’s situation, but it might be in her best interest if she stays with you guys instead of her mother. If that’s possible, it might be something for the facility to bring up to her to see how she feels about the idea. Again, I don’t know your situation so I don’t want to step on any toes with such a huge suggestion.

Thanks for the update and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!

[Disneyatic]

I have been thinking about your family lately and how things were going. Thank you for the update.
I think that her mother's reaction to her getting treatment says alot about why and where the problems are coming from. I don't know her and don't want to judge, but I can't imagine saying something like that when my daughter's health and future were in jeopardy.

Kudos to you and your husband for being so active in her recovery. We will keep you all in our thoughts and prayers.

[ShelbyAD]

Thanks everyone.

As far as her living with us. Don't think it will happen. For a few reasons - #1 the mother probably won't want to loose the child support $$$$$. She would rather just have H living there, ignore her, just the get the money. #2 DH doesn't really want to split up the girls. #3 the high school that she would have to go to is BAD BAD BAD There is alot of gangs, violence, drugs, students hitting teachers. Don't really want her going to a school like that. I would be soooo worried about her every day. I don't live in a bad neighborhood, but the school is not good. Can't afford a private school and too late to get her into a Magnet school.

I did ask DH if he thinks the mother would relinquish custody of H to us? He didn't know.

[DisneyDudet]

You and DH seem to have her welfare as a priority, while her mother does not. She does not seem to care much.

Is her high school so far from you, that she cannot go? Maybe she can just stay there for a while to transition?

[SBETigg]

The poor kid. She is so young to be facing such issues. I hope the rehab helps her. It doesn't sound as if her mother's place is the best place for her to be. It must be so hard for you to see her going through this. Good that she has you on her side. Hang in there.

[Terra]

I don't know how I missed this the first time around...but huge prayers and Please continue to keep us updated!!

[ShelbyAD]

Is her high school so far from you, that she cannot go? Maybe she can just stay there for a while to transition?

Her school is 45-60 minutes away. 45 without traffic 60 with. Plus she lives in a different county.

I hope she will be able to write to us. I told her that if she could, write me. Hopefully her mother gave her our address (although I doubt it).

I wanted to get her a journal from WDW (went last week) - but all they had was fuzzy pink Princess ones or Tinker Bell. She's not into either of those - plus I can get those kind at my local Disney store. I wanted to get her one that had "Walt Disney World" on it. It doesn't exist.

She did make a little joke. She will be there for Thanksgiving. She said "can you imagine a bunch of Anorexics sitting at the dinner table for Thanksgiving?"

She is going into this with an open mind, but I don't think she knows just how hard it will be. Like I said, she is looking at this as a "vacation" away from her mother.

If she is there for 45 days - that puts her coming home shortly after Christmas. I don't know what we will do for Christmas. We have them for Christmas day this year. I don't know what we will be doing. Will have to wait and see how she is doing and when she will be coming home. I would like her home for Christmas.

[offwego]

Sorry to hear she is still struggling with this. But glad to know she's getting good help for it.

As to Mom's comments it might have been just the frustration of feeling helpless. (I'm sure we've all said things we didn't want to say when we feel hopeless). It's a good sign that at least your DH & the mother are at least talking.

Hopefully you'll have a good update very soon. (and I'm glad you've gotten her the help she needs so quickly..good for you all!)

[DisneyDudet]

Are you allowed to call her or send care packages?

If you can send her packages, you could make her a Disney journal! You take those black and white old school looking writing books and glue or decopage picutures on it. If you glue it, take some of that clear shelf paper and cover it to make it nice and water proof. If you decopage, no need for the cover. There you go, a personalized journal!

I know some of those places are strict on contact from home, and sometimes inspect many things.

I would hope that they allow them to call or receive calls on the holidays.

You can always save a few presents for everyone, keep the decorations up, and when she comes home, act like its Christmas day! I'm sure she would enjoy that quite a bit. It would be like she never missed it!

I can imagine this will be hard for everyone, especially with the holidays, but this just might be what she needs. If she is coming home during Christmas break from school, could she spend a few days with you, before heading to mom's? I just think she needs to be in a nurturing environment when she gets home, and it doesn't sound like mom's is that place. I sound like a broken record!

If you are allowed to send letters, call, and send care packages, let us know. I'm sure we can come up with some fine ideas!

Keep up the high spirits. 45 days will be over before you know it. We are all thinking about her and your family. for everyone!

Keep us updated on her progress!

[ShelbyAD]

If she is coming home during Christmas break from school, could she spend a few days with you, before heading to mom's? I just think she needs to be in a nurturing environment when she gets home, and it doesn't sound like mom's is that place.

I was thinking the same thing. Since we do have them for Christmas and DH has to fly down and bring her home. I think our house would be a good transition for her. I will talk to DH about it. I'm sure her mother would like to have a quiet Christmas with just her husband, 4 yr old son & her mother.

If she is there for 30 days, she will be home by Dec 13th. I don't know what will happen with her schooling, since they get out for Christmas break on Dec 21st. It's only 1 week. I will have to talk to DH about that too.

If she can't receive packages, I will get her a Journal for Christmas. I'm sure she will need it when she gets home.

[DizNee143]

i hope rehab helps her out!!..and when she gets back i hope the relationship with her mother could/will get better!! i wish her all the best!! please continue to keep us updated...

[Cinderelley]

I know that what her mother said sounds horrible, but I've been in a situation where I've said a similar thing about my oldest. I tried everything I could think of and then some. He began taking a toll on the whole family - me, his younger siblings, my marriage, etc. I finally sent him to live with his father in Kansas with the same attitude. It's not that I hated him. I love him with all my heart, but I did have other kids that I needed to worry about also. Nothing I could do for him was going to change him, but he was making a very negative impact on them. I cried and cried, and I worried that I was the worst mother in the world. In the end DS, came back after about 6 months like a whole new child. I never found out the whole story, but I did find out that it had nothing to do with me at all.

So, from a mom who has been there and done that, it sounds to me like she has probably tied a knot at the end of her rope and is barely hanging on to that.

I don't know your situation, but in my situation, I had no support from the kids' father. He lives in an entirely different state, and his new wife doesn't want him having anything to do with his "old" family. Even though it sounds like you guys live fairly close together, because of past events, she may not feel like she's getting any support from you guys either. And with statements like "Doesn't that just sound like a loving mother.", I would think that you're not trying to look at it from her point of view. I'm not saying that you're not trying to do what's best for "H", but she may not feel that way. Is there anyway for everyone to go to counseling? Especially, have all the adults involved sit down with a counselor and work out what's best for "H".

[ShelbyAD]

We have been very supportive in the whole deal. DH has taken time off from work to take her to her appointments. If the mother didn't want H in the house, we would pick her up and keep her at our house for a few days. DH is the one who has made ALL of the doctor's appointments, been on the phone with insurance companies, finding the Rehab Center, getting the referrals, making sure that she eats what the Nutritionist tells her to, taking her to the store to pick up what she needs, etc.

The mother refused to go to any of the doctor appointments. She has been saying for months "In my opinion, she's not eating enough". Repeatedly saying that. I have tried to explain to her that "H's" stomach has shrunk and cannot hold as much food. It will take time. The mother would get impatient if H did not gain 3 or more pounds a week.

I don't know everything that goes on in her house (I'm not there). I can only go by what the mother tells us. She has told us that she yells at "H" when she does not eat her dinner. It's like she expect H to eat a Big Mac & large fries. It's not going to happen. DH & I have been patient with both the mother and "H".

I have asked DH if he wanted me to go to the doctor's with "H". He said no. He said "how would it look, "H's" step-mother will take the time off, but her own mother won't." So he has put alot on hold to help his daughter.

We are by no means complaining. We know she needs help and we are making sure she gets it. It's costing us an arm & a leg, but we are doing it. We have even taken out a loan to help pay for everything.

[DisneyDudet]

Its sounds like mom may be in denial that this is happening to her daughter, or isn't fully educated on eating disorders. Many people thinks its the fact that young people think they are fat. That really isn't the whole story. They do this to gain control in their lives.

I think it would behoove the whole family, when H gets back, to go to a support group or family therapy/counseling. H will need that support she received at her rehabilitation center when she comes back. I think it would help her if everyone attends sessions.

I hope H's mom really steps up to the plate when she returns. Maybe the school nurse could send home some information on eating disorders? I know, mom may not read it, but if its lying around the house, on the table or something, she may glance at it.

Continuing to send

[Dsnygirl]

The mother refused to go to any of the doctor appointments.
I have asked DH if he wanted me to go to the doctor's with "H". He said no. He said "how would it look, "H's" step-mother will take the time off, but her own mother won't." So he has put alot on hold to help his daughter.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through all this... I have been following the thread since you first posted, but haven't had anything to add. But having read this post, I think you and your DH need to sit down and have a talk about your role in this.
You guys are doing so much for your step-daughter -- and by the sounds of it, doing a great job at it. But your DH isn't going to help things move forward until he accepts that his daughter's biological mother plays a major role in the problems his DD is having - and that you, on the other hand, are a positive support person in her life. You may need to go to some of these appointments in order to help show "H" that there is a "mother figure" in her life that will help her, not hurt her. Her issues w/ her biological mom may be all her own, and totally b/w the two of them, but until she can get a handle on how she feels (and how she handles those feelings), she needs to know there is a grown-up female in her life who will love her, support her, help her and be there for her, no matter what, no strings attached. From what you've said about all that you and your DH have done for her, that's you -- and there's no help to be done by hiding that fact. How it looks to the doctors is nothing more than the truth - and it may help as they deal with "H" to truly see how demoralizing and unsupportive her relationship is w/ her biological mom. I can totally understand his desire to protect "H" and how things look to the doctors -- but this is probably something that needs to be addressed, not hidden, and I bet it would really help "H" to know you are there for her. The fact that her own "real mom" isn't there for her certainly isn't something she hasn't already figured out, and I'm sure the dr's are aware of this, anyway. I can imagine it's just hard for your DH to accept.

I hope this hasn't sounded harsh - I by no means intended it to - you and your DH are doing a great job supporting her, and I can't imagine how hard it must be to feel like your hands are tied at times. I wish you nothing but the best, and hope that maybe you and your DH can find a way to reach her -- it sure sounds like you're doing your best.

[bleukarma]

Whether or not there is a situation going on at the mom’s house, the fact is still there that H still hates her mom. The mom could not be as awful as we think, or she can be worse, but the fact is H doesn’t have a very high opinion of her. It probably has something to do with the fact that it sounds like the mom doesn’t have a strong understanding of what H is going through so she handles the situation in the wrong way. Or it can just be teenage rebellion against her mom. Whatever it is it’s a part of her problem and I believe working with the mom situation will be a key element to her recovery.

With that being said, I also agree with dsnygirl with regards that it might be time to shed some light on your involvement in the situation. When it comes to someone’s health, how a situation looks should be irrelevant. A 14 year old girl needs to know that she has as much support as she can. Right now in her eyes it may look like that her dad is the only one that truly “cares” for her. Even though this isn’t true, you never know what she is thinking. I grew up with my great aunt instead of my mom and in the end I know that my mom still loves me. You can still be there for H (and any of his other kids) without replacing the mom.

When she gets back I hope everything works out. I hope she has better feelings toward her mom and I hope that she understands that she can come to you if she needs someone to talk to.

[ShelbyAD]

Another update.

"H" has been in the rehab center for 7 days now. She called last weekend. She seemed fine, we talked for quite a while.

DH talked to her therapist yesterday. They want to keep "H" there until January 15th. That will be 60 days. Apparently they feel she needs 2 months of treatment. Her therapist said that "H" is really depressed. They gave her a very mild anti-depressant. So she can open up and be able to understand and "absorb" the treatment.

So she won't be home for Christmas It will be weird this year.

The therapist said that the holidays are really hard because they are focused on food.

I did buy her a journal and sent it Priority. Because of the weight it couldn't go First Class. Anything less than Priority would take between 10-14 days. I didn't want her to wait that long for the journal - she may need it sooner than that. So she will receive it either today or Friday.