I must be a bad mother.

[Gooftroop5]

Last night dd's school had a kids fun night. The grades for her building are 3rd-5th & it was for her building only. They called & asked if I could still help out as a parent. The National Honor socitety kids (junior & seniors) ran children activities including hair/make-up/nails, dance dance revolution, karoke, crafts, guitar hero, games (including disney scene it ) plus more. It was a lot of fun. I helped with getting the kids picks of what 3 activities they wanted to do I think there were 10 in total. They got to pick 3 activites had 30 minutes at each one. After all the kids were through picking & at their 2nd activities they had snacks & i helped 2 of the teenage boys with the snacks (probably good thing I was with them they kept helping themselves. I had to laugh everytime the one thought he was sneaking a chip). They put them on carts & we went to each area & let the kids have the snacks. I enjoyed it and had no problem being there. However if I didn't volunteer I wouldn't have been there but I would have let dd.

Which leads me to being a bad mother. While I was helping a mother came in with her 2 children she was upset because the activities were happening in different rooms how was she ever going to be able to be with her children. The daughter was already heading to her first activity while the brother was still deciding. The mother was standing there completely bewildered. The advisor to the national honor society(an adult) in charge told her that she didn't need to be there at all. You would have thought you told her to cut off her arm. She said she can't just leave her children. I could understand if it was a community thing but it was a school sponsored event. It was obvious there were a lot of parents around. I guess maybe cause I'm with my children 24/7 I don't feel this way. I trust my dd to behave the right way while I'm not there. More than likely you will have less problems with her if I'm not there. Of course I seize every opportunity to get rid of them... I was ok whatever she wasn't the only parent there that was like that. There were other ones that I know the mom & she went with her ds & her dh went with their dd. I guess what irritates me is they are always saying they never have enough volunteers but if you go somewhere where dh & I volunteer for there is always enough parents but they are just there to watch their kids. Why not volunteer to help? Then they wouldn't be scrambling for help & possibly canceling things.This almost happened with one of dd's rollerskating parties. Dh signed up well in advance to volunteer. They called confirmed. This is what they said to me. (I knew the mom that was in charge & she was really frazzled probably why I knew why)They had just enough. Dh showed up there were more than the 5 adults they needed. Why they were the parents that have to be there to be with their kids all the time. You know you are going to be there why not just say "ok since I'm going to be there I will help." It would definitely make it easier for the person in charge. I originally said I would help when they sent the sheets home asking for volunteers to help with various things in the beginning of the year. Some I can't help with because it was during school hours & I have 2 more at home or it was a night that someone already had something else going on. I did this one figuring dd would more than likely go so I might as well help out.I then only saw dd once or twice the whole time. I wasn't worried she was having fun without me being there plus she was behaving.

I like helping out. It is after all my children. I'm a parent that is actively involved in their avtivities. I help with dd's junior bell choir. I was one of the few mother's that was there for girlscouts when they needed volunteers etc Its not like I don't do it. I even went on dd's field trip to the farm (which is not a wise choice for my allergies, also the farm is near my parents house I use to visit the farm when I was a kid.)

Basically my point is if you know you won't leave your kids somewhere other than during school hours then step up & volunteer to help!

[sardanem]

I could not agree with you more. I don't know where you live, but I am in NJ and we can't get any parents to volunteer for anything. It is the same group of about 6 Moms and without them, there would be very few school activities. I wish I could get them to understand that by volunteering, they are making their childs as well as other kids school years very memorable. I have been a stay at home mom for 16 years now(not easy) and have spent all that time volunteering at their schools. Maybe someone will read these posts and step up to the plate and volunteer. I know it is hard because some work and some have other siblings at home, but there are events at all times and on all days. Anyway, just know you are doing a great job.


Lisa

[tinkerbellybutton]

I also agree with you, I run into the same problem a lot. DS has aspergers so I almost always volunteer for everything (in case he has a meltdown) but I don't hover over him, a lot of times they assign me to other kids so I can stil keep an eye on him but am helping out everyone. The thing that drives me crazy is when they have 30 field trips a year, most of them are things like museums, etc. So I spend 3 hours wrangling 4th and 5th gaders and we are always short on parents, but there are a couple of "fun" field trips every year like going to Boston etc. Parents that you've never seen before come out of the woodwork to volunteer for a free trip to Quincy Market In past years they have had so many volunteers for those ones that they had to draw names. This year when the Boston trip came along they sent home notices saying that they would give first choice to the parents who have volunteered throughout the year, if after that they didn't have enough parents then they would draw names. Anyway, my point is that I totally agree with you, you can still be there and keep your eyes out on your child while helping others.

[Stitchahula]

I would love to "help out" when they have field trips for my son. He's in preschool but because I'd have to bring my infant with me I don't think they would be happy with that idea. If the parents are going to be there anyways I can't think of any reason why they can't help out in some way.

[Gooftroop5]

I would love to "help out" when they have field trips for my son. He's in preschool but because I'd have to bring my infant with me I don't think they would be happy with that idea. If the parents are going to be there anyways I can't think of any reason why they can't help out in some way.

That is me. I haven't helped as much as I would really like to but I try when I can including having a family member that isn't working watch the 2 I have at home. However I can't ask them to watch my 2 dses 3 time in one week. Which is what was happening come warm weather with "walking" field trips. When dd was in preschool I took ds#1 (well ds#2 just didn't know ds#2 was there yet. Didn't know I was pg for a couple weeks l8er) with me to help when the main teacher was out ill. It was a just starting up preschool so there weren't a lot of kids. I don't think though most would have allowed this. This fall ds#1 starts kindergarten & next year ds#2. I'm looking forward to being able to help in school with reading, class mom etc all the stuff I missed with dd. Plus I will be able to vol in dd's school too with the book fairs & field trips I was unable to help before with.

That is my point of you are going to be there then there isn't any reason they can't help but they don't. They are also the 1st one to complain when something isn't how they think it should be.

Lisa (sardanem) I live in upstate NY. However I think this is a universal problem.

[tinkerbellybutton]

I would love to "help out" when they have field trips for my son. He's in preschool but because I'd have to bring my infant with me I don't think they would be happy with that idea. If the parents are going to be there anyways I can't think of any reason why they can't help out in some way.

I ran into that with DD, she was in first grade when DS was born.

That is my point of you are going to be there then there isn't any reason they can't help but they don't. They are also the 1st one to complain when something isn't how they think it should be.

That's the way I see it also, which is why I help with the other children.

[tinksmom02]

I have the opposite problem--my DD is 5, and I teach pre-K. Everytime we go somewhere or do something--birthday party, trip, holiday concert, etc.--NONE of the parents watch their kids at all! It's not even that I'm their kids teacher and they expect me to watch their kid off the clock, they just don't pay any attention to them. And here I am, thinking I'm the nuerotic mom, because I actually LIKE knowing where my child is, and being AWARE of what she's doing. Not that I hover, but I certainly pay attention to what she's doing. I've literally seen kids--as young as eighteen months--get hurt because their parents were oblivious/indifferrent to what they were doing.

I know, way off topic, I'm sorry.

I do agree that you shouldn't complain about the lack of volunteers if you can volunteer and don't.

[SBETigg]

I absolutely agree that there aren't enough volunteers. It gets worse as the kids get older. Parents tend to be more involved in the elementary years and the schools have even more trouble getting parents involved in the middle school and high school years. But I also want to add that it's easy to pass judgment without knowing details.

I volunteered heavily in my kids' elementary and middle schools in our former home town. I was on the school committee. I chaperoned field trips, organized activities, and enjoyed having the chance to be involved. Then we moved. I tried to get involved in the new school system and the other parents who routinely volunteered were so unwelcoming and clique-ish. I got the distinct impression that they recognized my getting involved as my trying to infiltrate their special circle. I was totally discouraged and I stopped volunteering.

It's possible (though not necessarily the case) that people are intimidated at the idea of getting involved or something is going on at your school to make parents feel less than welcome to join in. Why not try to be friendly and recruit some new volunteers? If people feel wanted and welcome, they are more willing to go out of their way and volunteer.

[Tiggerlovr9000]

I have a different view. I used to volunteer to help at school events but it never failed that the same group of moms were always there and made me feel like I wasn't needed. I finally came to the decision that they wanted to be martyrs so I let them. I got so tired of hearing how its always been done.

[KineGirl]

I volunteered heavily in my kids' elementary and middle schools in our former home town. I was on the school committee. I chaperoned field trips, organized activities, and enjoyed having the chance to be involved. Then we moved. I tried to get involved in the new school system and the other parents who routinely volunteered were so unwelcoming and clique-ish. I got the distinct impression that they recognized my getting involved as my trying to infiltrate their special circle. I was totally discouraged and I stopped volunteering.

I ran into the same situation here. Until we moved here Ive always worked but still was class mom grade 1 & 4 and volunteered for anything I could. Once we got here, I was able to stay at home, my daughter was starting in middle school and I thought it would be perfect time to (physically) join the PTA. Afterall you always get all those things home reminding you about meetings and encouraging you to join. But when I actually showed up at the meeting, you couldve heard a pin drop. There were about 20 parents who completely stopped talking, looked at me, and then went back to their conversations. Mind you we live in a small very close knit community so I was totally taken aback. You cant hardly walk down the street without everyone saying hello to you. I went to 3 other meeting but no parent ever made an effort to speak to me let alone make me feel welcome - in fact I felt quite the opposite. More like a huddle I couldnt break into. Now I just send in the check in the beginning of the year and volunteer when they need them. Which in HS isnt very often except during testing.

[crazypoohbear]

I was very lucky with my Ds's school. I would always volunteer and take my infant son with me. No one cared. I was even called to go on field trips to boston for the day and told I could take my own car so I could have my baby in the carseat with me. I would follow the bus take my infant in the stroller and handle my group of kids. I took him when I did lunch duty at the school and whenever I would go in to go projects with the class. I guess reading others posts my Ds's school was Very accomodating to mothers with small kids still at home.
I still remember going on a field trip with DS to an apple orchard, going on a hay ride and picking pumpins and apples. The hay ride was a KILLER because I was scheduled for my C section the NEXT morning!!!!
I guess his/their elementary school was the best decision I made.
DS's High school was the worst decision I ever made

[tinkerbellybutton]

I hope that no one was offended by my comments. I realize after re-reading them that they may seem judgmental. I was not bashing those who can't or even don't volunteer. I was making an observation about some of the parents that I have met who are invisible (at birthday parties, school functions etc.) untill it seems to benefit them.

As for the way some of you have been treated by other parents and their "cliques", I think that is horrible. I ran into a similar situation when I signed my DD up for girl scouts, I was treated like and outsider and after a couple of meetings DD didn't want to go back because the parents snobbiness transferred to the girls.

So as I said, I really hope no one was offended, it wasn't how I meant to say it.

[ibelieveindisneymagic]

I don't think you offended anyone

This is such a universal problem! I volunteer with DD's Girl Guides (same as Girl Scouts in the US) and DH & I teach Sunday school. We are most definately not just there for DD, and in fact she'd probably tell you that she'd rather we weren't there sometimes, because we're harder on her than the other kids.

But, I feel your frustration! Two things seem to happen to me/us. Either parents decide to "stay" and baby their own child, just watching us run around crazy with all of the other kids (and they just do what they want with their kids, totally igorning that we have an event set-up, with rules, etc) or the parents sit and talk and ignore their children being little terrors...I'm not sure which is worse.

We struggle for volunteers for everything! I know parents are all trying so hard, but like so many others, we can't get parents to commit, but then parents will stay and only help their kid!

I've also been on the "outside", especially at Girl Guides. The "older" leaders didn't really like me for a very long time (and I'm still not sure they have too much use for me), but I stuck it out, ran a great program, and since the girls like it, there isn't really too much they can say.

All of this rambling to thank everyone who gives time anywhere, and to those who support us!

[garymacd]

We felt the same way, but actually had the opposite problem. My wife and I wanted desperately to help out at the school, but felt unwanted by the leaders of the Parent Interest Group, or P.I.G.'s as I liked to call them. Maybe they didn't want me because of my weird sense of humour (I think it had something to do with the name of our school - Green Acres - and me picking a logo for our group - a comic pig. I also wanted to call it Arnold Ziffle)

We stuck it out and eventually became the heart and soul of the group - at least from our perspective. We ensured that everyone and anyone who wanted to help out was welcome and had something to do or contribute.

Shortly after we started helping out at the school with different activities, another group suddenly emerged called Mothers Who Care. They didn't want much to do with us and most didn't help out at school functions. I think they mostly prayed and sent cookies and messages to the teachers that they were praying for them.

I guess that made us Parents Who Don't Give a Darn. Doesn't flow as nicely as PIG's, though, does it?

[Gooftroop5]

I'm too sorry about offending people. I guess since I never experienced the cliques at school I never thought other people would. We actually have a reversed cliques. We have a college that a lot of students have families (its a specialty college so you get older students). They stick to themselves. The parochial had to combine schools with the public school. the parochial school closed & unless you drive your child at least 20 minutes away (no bus other than for the catholic highschool) they were forced to put them in the public school. The one I was complaining about was one that had to do that. You get the impression that you are not good enough for them. Its an attitude of "I had no other choice but I'm not going to be cooperative either." Of course I guess this is how they were there too. They had a hard time getting parents to volunteer too. Which I am now finding out from others. Guess I can't expect them to automatically change just because they changed schools.

Its nice to see I'm not the only one that has problems with girlscouts. Its getting to be too much of a cliqueish thing. Of course I have had some of my own personal bad experiences that carry over from when I worked as a camp counselor. All new problems this year when we tried switching dd to girlscouts from brownies. This is a whole other thing that neither the here or now to deal with.

I have been on both ends of this whole thing too. Girlscouts, the community rec center. I purposely avoid these. These are where the real cliques are. Where I live outsiders are more welcomed than the ones that grew up here. I went to school with all the ones that are involved in these groups. I wasn't friends (not that we didn't get along just weren't in the same friends crowd they are all older too. Graduated with my brother). When you weren't friends before you aren't friends when you grow up. Especially when they still hang out with the same group they did in highschool. They also married each others brothers, sisters cousins etc that they are together for everything. of course this clique doesn't do anything at school which is why I never experienced cliques at school.

I also get it from church & the ladies auxillary that I just joined. I grew up in both. My mom was ex-president & numerous other officer positions at the ladies auxillary. My father is a volunteer firefighter so is my dh that the auxillary is attatched to. They think all the money they raise is theirs & don't ask them to spend 1 nickle to help out the fire department. Its like you ask them to pay for it personally. Most of them are widowed & husbands were never members of the fire department. However its an old lady thing. (sorry I don't mean to offend anyone, even my mom call them this & she is is about the same age as most) Same with church. The older ladies have control (they don't really want it but don't want to let anyone else either) If you bring in a new idea then it is automatically shot down. The churches attitude with this drove all the young people away. Then they all sit & whine that there isn't any young people anymore. Well yeah when you are treated like that you just stop coming. We also have a group of older ladies that sit in the back of the church & one (the ringleader of the group) had the nerve to tell my dh after Christmas eve services that my children should never have been there. They were being good. They weren't crying, they weren't running around etc. They were singing a long with the choir (which mommy was in.)The minister heard about it from others that overheard it. He talked to them but it only made them worse. There is only about 5 women in the group but its the 5 women that made us change our mind about joining. I continued singing in the choir & playing handbells but am not a member of the church. The only time the boys go to church now is if dd is playing handbells. Otherwise dh stays home with the 2 boys. Now we don't go for a different reason. Old minister retired & no one cares for the interium we have. I've even dropped out of choir. I only play handbells.

Once again I am sorry to offend anyone. As usual there is 2 sides to every coin. I was a little annoyed with the school district & myself that night. They scheduled 2 things in different buildings. I forgot that ds#1 had an ice cream social for incoming kindergartners so when I got a call asking if I could still help I said yes. Knowing in the past they have a hard time getting people to help out. Since we only have one car & it was raining so dd & I couldn't walk dh couldn't take dses to the other thing. This lady just made it worse cause if all the parents that were just there for their kids only vounteered I could've went to the other school. She just got the vent here because she was the only one that made just a big deal about it.

[SBETigg]

I don't think you offended anyone. I don't think anyone here has been offensive. I think people are sharing their opinions and experiences. I certainly wasn't offended. I thought I was offering a new side to the issue, perhaps a possible reason why more people don't volunteer. I understand that you were venting and I can see why.

[Gooftroop5]

I was very lucky with my Ds's school. I would always volunteer and take my infant son with me. No one cared. I was even called to go on field trips to boston for the day and told I could take my own car so I could have my baby in the carseat with me. I would follow the bus take my infant in the stroller and handle my group of kids. I took him when I did lunch duty at the school and whenever I would go in to go projects with the class. I guess reading others posts my Ds's school was Very accomodating to mothers with small kids still at home.

It was this way in preschool. I helped a lot with dd's class with ds#1 only a few moths old & pregnant with ds#2. Not so the case in elementary school. They are very clear about that especially on field trips. You are also not suppose to bring your children to open house in the fall. Now dd's new building dd was suppose to be there. So they can show you around the building. They have babysitters for parents team which covers both schools but not the pto (which is dd's new building).

We stuck it out and eventually became the heart and soul of the group - at least from our perspective. We ensured that everyone and anyone who wanted to help out was welcome and had something to do or contribute.

I think that is great. You & your wife are a rare breed. Keep up the good work.

[crazypoohbear]

It was this way in preschool. I helped a lot with dd's class with ds#1 only a few moths old & pregnant with ds#2. Not so the case in elementary school. They are very clear about that especially on field trips. You are also not suppose to bring your children to open house in the fall. Now dd's new building dd was suppose to be there. So they can show you around the building. They have babysitters for parents team which covers both schools but not the pto (which is dd's new building).



I think that is great. You & your wife are a rare breed. Keep up the good work.

The elementary school goes up to 8th grade and they have always been very good about bringing your kids. My youngest in now in 7th grade at this school ( having come up from Preschool to present) many of his teachers remember him as the good little trooper who went everywhere with his big brother. Drives him crazy now!!!
This is a parochial school that is very good about including family and making new members feel welcome. Sure it has it's warts like every school does but it does live by it's mission statement!
Now my DS's High school which we call the anti catholic school goes out to make things tough on you. THis school has gone so far downhill in 4 years that enrollment has dropped by half. I pray every day that this school is closed down. It is not the parent group that is the problem here. It's the administration. They even disbanded the parent group last year! THe principal is umm. not a nice person and is the reason that so many parents have pulled their kids out of the school. She has been there 4 years and talk about a slippery slope

[Disney-4-Me]

It's great to be a volunteer, but I think the problems are pretty much everywhere. The same people get involved with volunteering at school an most people stay uninvolved.

An organized teacher will have parents volunteer for lots of different activities at the beginning of the year. I think it works out when people can sign up for a variety of activities and also sign up with other parents that they feel comfortable with.

If you get a sense that you aren't wanted, that might be the time to get involved the most!

[tyandskyesmom]

I have a different view. I used to volunteer to help at school events but it never failed that the same group of moms were always there and made me feel like I wasn't needed. I finally came to the decision that they wanted to be martyrs so I let them. I got so tired of hearing how its always been done.

Ditto.

I have tried to volunteer at school and end up being treated like an outsider. I work full time and PTA meets at 9am...that's not going to work. I am a room mom for Tyler's third grade class but that is about it. Another issue is that our PTA sends around forms giving a brief general description of what they need help with...no times needed or dates. Well, I work...and I need a firm time frame to be able to obligate myself.

I am also therefore that Mom that if my kid is there...so am I. It is not that I don't trust my kid but I don't know who's watching him. I have been present at the schools and various supposedly supervised things where it was a wonder someone did not wander off. He is also at a very suggestable age and who knows who he will hang with while there and not being supervised. I have also seen parents bringing younger siblings (which I am against by the way) and have to pay more attention to that child than they ones they are there for. BUT, I generally do not volunteer to help anymore. And since I cannot make the PTA meetings because they choose to have them in the morning I am not going to sign up to do the work...I mean if I am going to do a bunch of work for the PTA, I want a say in the PTA...but I cannot have that.

Now, you also do not know what else those parents are doing. Just because we do not volunteer at school does not mean we are not volunteering somewhere else. My husband is on the Board of our lical Baseball organization and football organization, he was their den leader for Cub Scouts, he is a manager of the baseball team and a coach for football. I am on various committees for football and help him run the baseball team. I also have a 4 year old that has things going on of her own. So you may be seein gthose parents there but not helping...but maybe they have already been helping somewhere else and just want to be able to enjoy their children for a change.