Asperger's...Tell or not

[d_m_n_n]

DS was diagnosed with AS in December. We are so happy to know so that we can help him. We are now deciding between telling his classmates or not. DS's teacher thinks it would be a good idea, but the school's Special Ed. Coordinator thinks otherwise...I can't decide. At first he said no way to telling them. Then the teacher gave us the book "All Cats Have Aspergers" and he changed his mind. DS has been mentioning the kids are beginning to tell him he is "weird" and them knowing would explain it. But I also know how mean kids can be and I don't want it to backfire. Any thoughts?

[Briansmom]

My DS11 has autism and goes to a special school in our school district for kids with all types of special needs. However they also have a preschool that is mixed half and half with special kids and typical kids. This is a wonderful thing as it gives the typical kids exposure to special kids at a young age therefore they are more accepting as they grow. You didn't say how old your son is but I have found with my son that if he is around other typical kids in a public place and the kids are kinda 'looking' at him as they play (because our DS's behavior is definitely a little different, not bad, but different), if you explain to them what is going on, they usually either accept it and adapt to play with him, or they simply just go on their way. I think you would just have to judge the group of kids he is with. But I think if they knew, if would be a good thing cuz those that would be willing to help and understand would step up to the plate to protect him against any kids that might pick on him. If not, they are all going to pick on him because to them, he's just 'weird'. And I don't mean that in a cruel way...I mean it from a kids' perspective. And fitting in is what they are all about. Knowing he is special would (in their eyes) make it okay to be with him.

[Mickey'sGirl]

Both of my son's are Autistic. The eldest has Asperger's. We have always embraced it as part of who he is. I think it is deplorable that an educator, especially one in a Special Education atmosphere would recommend that you hide the fact, as if it is something to be ashamed of. Personally, I would have torn a strip of of him/her.

I agree that the choice is your son's...especially at his age. Both of my children attend the regular public school in our area, and are mainstreamed with their peers, although they are supported with Teaching Assistants and IEPs. Each year, I have a discussion with their classes about Autism, and specifically Aspergers (All Cat's Have Asperger's is one of our favourites!). I explain what it means for my son, some of the issues he is dealing with ALL THE TIME, and I also explain what it means for the other students...and try to give them some tools that they can use in dealing with my kids.

Knowledge is understanding...and understanding leads to acceptance. In the long run, kids listen to what you say, and move on. As long as we make a big deal, or hold our kids out as something secret, we are setting them up for seclusion and ridicule. To have them included and accepted, we have to give the other kids the information they need too.

Just my opinion, as an advocate and a Mom.

[DVC2004]

My son has Asperger's as well, and he goes to a special school with kids from kindergarten all the way up to high school. The kids have different issues there, but it's not a mainstream school.

Hmm. I would think since these classmates already know him and have been with him all year, would it really change what or how they think about him? He's still the same kid. It's touchy I agree. But I also think it's nothing he should feel like has to be hidden or embarrassed about. It's like, this is who I am- accept it or don't. Probably a good outlook to adapt it life. Reallly it's the other person's loss if they choose not to be friends with the wonderful kid your son is!

[SBETigg]

Did you ask why your Special Ed Coordinator feels that way? What the logic behind holding back the information would be? You have to do what makes you and your child most comfortable. I think, like Jennifer said, that knowledge is understanding, but I would be interested in the Special Ed Coordinator's opinion and why the recommendation to hold off. Once you reveal information, you can't take it back, but kids react in certain ways sometimes regardless of information available to them.

[Jenemmy]

I have an 11 year old with autism. It is classic autism and there would definitely be no hiding it, whether a teacher wanted to or not. That being said, one of my greatest fears has always been what other kids would say or do to him. However, I have found it to be the opposite. The typical kids he interacts with have been AMAZING. I can't tell you how many times my son and I will be in the grocery or out in the community and a child will yell "TRAVIS" and come hug him or give him a high 5.

He has spent a good portion of his life non-verbal -- only just starting to talk to us now. But there was one instance where a teacher told me a little girl came in from recess crying. When asked what was wrong, this sweet child said "Travis said my name and I am just so happy!"

My experience is that the kids who are "scared" or unsure will just leave my son alone. The ones who take the time to get to know him are benefitted just as much as he is.

[RenDuran]

If your son says the kids are already calling him "weird" then telling them may help.

I'm not sure how old your son is. My son is in preschool for 4-year-olds. One of the kids in his class is autistic. My son knows that his actions aren't his fault because "there is something wrong in his brain". (That was the only way I could bring things down to his level.) It's really helped him be more understanding of this child's "different" behaviour.

I hope things work out for your son.

[DakandZakMom]

My son is 12 and he has Tourette's as well as Aspergers. The approach I have always had with him is I let his teacher's know what is going on with him but as for telling the kids I let him decide if he wants to tell them or not. I have always left that decision up to him and he has done very well with it. I know that most kids he has went to school with have never asked him what is wrong with him they just think his strange behaviors are "him". I know that he does not tell a lot of the other kids beacuse he says he already feels so different he does not want to have the kids treat him different. Does that make sense???

[d_m_n_n]

Thank you all so much for your replies! You have helped me feel more confident about our decision. This has been tough because DS8 was so dead-set against saying anything until he read the book. Now he says it's ok, but he doesn't want to be in the classroom when they read it (he HATES attention and when he feels like people are staring at him). I just wanted to make sure before we gave the go ahead...in my heart I know the kids in this class will embrace him...and the best part is this is a multiage classroom so he will be with the same kids and teachers (which are both beyond amazing) next year. I honestly feel this diagnosis could not have come at a better time.

[MickeyMousse]

My son had a classmate in 4th grade with Aspergers. After the teacher explained to the class what it was, the kids understood more of why the boys behavior at times was different and that he wasn't meaning to do certain things, that it was just out of his control. My son said it made a major difference in how the boy was treated from that point on. (no more comments by classmates, etc...)

Good luck on whatever you decide.

[Disney4us2]

My daughter was diagnosed at the age of 3 (by the school system) with autism. It turned out not to be autism, but Auditory Processing Disorder. It takes her a while to get her thoughts out. She knows what she wants to say, but has trouble putting it into words. She gets frustrated so easily.

She went through kindergarten and first grade in a mainstream class. For second and third grades, she was in a special ed class, with the same teacher for both years. She is now in a split schedule for 4th grade. In the morning she leaves her homeroom and goes to the special ed classes. In the afternoon she is back with the mainstream classes for social studies/ science etc. We have either yearly or twice a year IEP meetings.

I didn't have to make any decisions to tell or not to tell the other kids. It was just an accepted fact. I will find out soon with my next IEP meeting what the 5th grade holds in store for her.

Other kids can be mean, especially if they don't know what or why someone acts "differently".
There is one girl who was in my DD's class who has CP. Everyone loves this girl and accepts her for who she is. No one has ever been mean on purpose to my daughter.

I guess I would just say to do what ever feels comfortable to you and your DS. Good luck

[rubato]

My sons class has 2 "special needs" children. My son, because he knows of their issues, now has no problem when they don't handle things the way he would. When he didn't know, he would feel like they were being mean or trying to get away with something (teacher didn't tell the other kids for awhile).
Now that he knows, he goes out of his way to make sure he is their defender when someone else tries to make fun of them. It was just explained that they process information differently than he does.
I think it can be a very positive thing for everyone involved, but especially for your child. I understand his concerns, and agree that, maybe it should be handled without him being there.

I just wanted to add that I remember your earlier thread and am so happy that you and your son have an answer now. It must be such a relief to know how to handle things and why they happen the way that they do!

[BrerGnat]

I would definitely NOT withhold that information from ANYONE from now on. There is nothing "wrong" with your son. He is just different, in a way that MANY other kids are, these days. I am willing to bet that many of the kids in the class already know about Autism and Aspergers, since the prevalence is such that it's hard for ALL the kids to not know ANYONE with the disorder.

I agree that making it known will likely make things easier for your son. A lot of Asperger's symptoms come off to others as aloofness, selfishness, and "meanness". When there is an explanation and clarification of these behaviors and why they occur, kids (and hopefully, adults) tend to be more forgiving and sympathetic when they do occur, and are more willing to help out if necessary. This is esp. true of younger kids, who just want to play and "be friends". If the kids in the class are made aware of his social difficulties, you might notice that suddenly, they all want to be his friend, and include him. This happens in my son's K class. He is high functioning autistic, but VERY socially withdrawn. He's in a special ed. class but only about half the kids also have autism. The others with different issues are always trying to get him to "join in" in group play on the playground, because it is one of his main IEP goals, and the teacher tells the students that "we have to go over and get our friend Max to play with us" whenever Max is off on his own. ALL the kids will run over and beg him to join them, and he does!!! And, these are 5 year olds. It's great to know that the kids are so good to him, even though he is most definitely "weird".

[PharmD]

My son also has Asperger's. While he is a very bright young man he has his social quirks. He is mainstream but does received some special ed services, such as social training, writing assistance, etc. We have read many books about it and also have discovered that some very well known people in history have had Asperger's. I find it very odd and disheartning that someone in the education field would ever suggest hiding that. The kids in my sons class all know that Seth has Asperger's and most of them if not all of them are very protective of Seth. It's amazing that kids even at that age can understand and accept that Seth has issues and they even try to help by avoiding some of the things that trigger his outbursts. My son is proud of his condition and he is always quick to point out that Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin and others shared his "condition" as he calls it. Show your son this website, http://www.disabled-world.com/artman...cle_2086.shtml. Maybe it will make him feel a little better about it and not be embarresed to know some very famous and important people in our history have shared his "condition". Also if you need any advice or just someone to talk to feel free to contact me as we have had our share of trials and tribulations.

[d_m_n_n]

Those were my thoughts exactly! I don't feel the need to hide it, but DS was so hesitant and of course mom doesn't know anything . Then I saw the email where the Special Ed Coordinator didn't think the class should be told and it started to put doubts in my mind (and honestly, from what I have seen I'm not too impressed with her ). Now that DS is ok with it, we will definitely do it!

Thanks for the site, PharmD! We will definitely check it out!!

[Rekenna]

Hi! Our DS2 (yes, he is only 2!), was just diagnosed with Autism last week. We noticed he was having issues some time ago, he has crossed eyes and couldn't hear for a while due to reoccuring ear infections. He can hear fine now and we are working on his peepers. He has a speech therapist and OT that come to our home to work with him. He will get to go to public pre-school when he turns 3.

I'm glad they were able to diagnose your son, this will help him get the assistance he needs. This thread echoes something I was thinking of after they diagnosed Adam-how will he function in school, with other children? They haven't told us were he lies on the spectrum, he had a bunch of tests this week-MRI and EEG.

Your DS sounds like a strong little boy, whatever decision he and you make is the right one. I will be thinking of him tonight.

Adam just said COOKIE, so that was way awesome!

Again-all the best to you and your DS!

[Jeri]

I have a son who is 12 right now who has Aspergers. He was only in the 3rd grade when we found out he had it. Our school district has a Main Autism specialist and them 4 different ones for certain age groups, and then each school has from 2 to 5 specialists. We are fortunate for that.
When he was diagnosed the Autisum specialist came in to the class room and told all the 3rd graders that he had Aspergers, what it was, and what things bothered him, or were hard for him, and what things they could do to help him.
She explained that sometimes he has trouble with somethings and he doesn't mean to say or do certain things.
It was a great help because the kids better understood him, and more were willing to help him when they saw him struggling.
There will always be those few kids who will always be maen and rude, but I always tell my son they can't help it there parents didn't teach them any better.

My son is proud of who his and doesn't let Aspergers define him. He knows he is different, but who isn't.

[HollyB]

I have a son with an auditory processing disorder and a nephew, who I suspect, has Asperger's. We have chosen to be very upfront about our son's learning differences. Our reasoning is that they are just part of the package, but that knowing makes it easier for him, teachers, and friends to know how to handle various situations. At 14, he's learned many coping mechanisms and we don't bring it up as much because it really isn't an issue in school--he no longer has an IEP or even a 504. Still if people ask, I am always honest about it. We just feel there should not be a stigma and that our being open can help other families.

On the other hand, my nephew's parents have chosen not to say anything. We can tell there is something different about our nephew. It's pretty glaring. His social interactions with his cousins are a bit "off" and they find him "weird". I explained that I suspect he has a learning disability and that made them a little more compassionate, but I honestly don't think my nephew's parents are doing him any favors by sweeping it under the rug. Although they are not disclosing anything to the family, I do hope they are at least talking to the teachers and doctors and following some sort of IEP.

I wish in this century, we'll all be more enlightened about our differences. As I tell my son: Everyone is different and there is no such thing as "normal"--And wouldn't it be boring if we were all exactly alike?

[d_m_n_n]

Well, the class was told last Wednesday and it could not have gone any better!!! DS ended up wanting to be there when the Cats book was read, but he had a dr's appt and missed it. I gave the teacher the "Can I Tell You About Asperger's" book and they have also been reading it as a class to explain it a little more. I haven't been there to observe much, but from the little I've seen the kids are really trying to help him!

[Meteora]

Really glad to hear everything went well. My experience as a former elementary school teacher/current child psychologist in training is that kids really try to help and support their peers who have differences that they can understand and conceptualize. When they just recognize someone is different without being able to understand it, that's when things can get a bit dicey. I hope things will continue to go well for your son.